I am naturally an introvert who likes to be behind the scenes and rarely engaged or noticed by strangers. I am fully content in the number of friends and family I let into my inner circle and I am extremely comfortable with the uncomfortable silences that come with being an introvert. Up until about a year ago it would be weird for me to engage with someone I don’t know by asking questions or initiating discussions. Several factors in my life have pushed me to become more of an extrovert and I’m both happy and not happy about it!
As a business person, I enjoy being the unnamed technical guru that helps my customers and clients be successful. Typically this means I get to know one or two people at a company and we become partners that focus on the delivery necessary to realize their vision and goals. In my business life I have a motto that I try to adhere to as closely as possible and it goes something like this; “I’ll complete your project ahead of schedule, below budget and will exceed your every expectation!” This is what I tell most customers at the beginning of a project but as we get to know each other better they begin to realize and I begin to coach them that they only get to pick two of those three things. These are the basic fundamental parts of project management and you can’t have all three all the time. The key to being successful with this motto is communication and leading the customer down the path of self realization that there are interdependent components in that small statement. I mentioned this personal business model because it sparks a lot of conversation and requires more discussion then the actual work to be accomplished usually requires. Over the past 20 years or more I’ve had a side business where I do website design graphic design and videography work and understanding people and communication styles and preferences is something that I’ve had to learn through trial and error.
Contrasting that need to communicate and be somewhat of an extrovert in business discussions with my personal life… I have probably less than a dozen people I talk to about personal issues including feelings, health issues and life events. Well that was true, until I was diagnosed with ALS. Out of necessity, I now have to talk to an entire team of doctors and nurses about the most intimate details of my life. The number of people and different situations that I find myself divulging personal information is very new to me and cringy when I think about it. Here’s a great example. When I was first diagnosed with ALS the VA suggested that I apply for personal care services because it would take probably a year or more for that to be realized and in home health and personal care to be scheduled. So they were pretty accurate it did take almost a year for my request for services to be acknowledged and an evaluation started. This requires the VA to find a local home health and personal care services company to facilitate the level of assistance needed. This past week I met for the first time with two potential personal care assistants who will be scheduled 4 hours a week to help me with whatever I need. This initial 4 hours per week is just a starting point as my ALS progresses and more personal care is required the hours can increase over time. In the discussion with the two caregivers, I took the lead and tried to provide as much information about my condition, needs that I have and that need to be addressed, as well as answering their questions about my existing capabilities. Before ALS this would have been an uncomfortable situation and I would have only answered questions they asked, really not providing information directly without prompting. One aspect of ALS that is a silver lining for me is that I don’t feel like I need to justify or validate my feelings and communications. Now I just say what needs to be said without fear of judgment. This is a completely new and different mindset as far as communication goes compared to the rest of my life.
With a terminal diagnosis of ALS it has taken me over a year to come to terms with my own mortality. One thing I’ve realized though, is that if you stop and think about it every person has an expiration. For most people that eventuality is far in the future with too many other things in between to worry about and get done before you have to focus on end of life decisions and plans. In my case, that has just been accelerated a little bit and I now have a shorter time period between getting all of the plans done that I have in my mind and my eventual expiration. This realization has changed the way that I communicate and perceive others in the midst of their life experiences. While this is a subtle change it has very profound implications. Have you ever heard the saying you can “eat to live” OR “live to eat”? I feel like I am dying to live while most other people are living to eventually die. This concept has changed my personality and my communication style pretty significantly. I no longer wait for others to engage in communication, I’m much more willing to initiate and communicate both directly and honestly, not holding back because I have reverence for or need validation from your feelings.
With my new communication style I often have to sit back and consider the perception of me as a person from the perspective of others. I often think about questions like “am I being too demanding” or “am I asking too much of a person”, as well as questions like “are they working with me or entertaining my ideas out of genuine interest OR because I am a terminally diagnosed individual”? Over the past few months I have a few people in particular in my life that I’ve asked directly, why are you interested in helping me? As an example I’m working on starting up a nonprofit organization and I’ve asked my brother Anthony to be a Co-founder with me. One kind of awkward question that I posed to him, are you doing this because you see the value in the nonprofit idea or because your brother who’s dying is trying to do something big before he goes out?! Likewise,” I have a few guys at work who are helping me as camera operators and potential team leads for the nonprofit organization that I’ve asked the same question to gauge their level of interest and motivations. As I move forward with the nonprofit idea and all that that entails it definitely is going to require a lot more extrovert style communication and I’m both ready and willing but also a little bit apprehensive.
Lastly, in this post I wanted to talk about self-awareness. Most of my life I’ve just been a typical guy that doesn’t think much about what other people think about him, very strong in my own opinions and live my life based on my perception and evaluation of others. I am very much a person who sees the world in black and white, right or wrong and I’ve developed those ideas through my own observations. Becoming a more extrovert communicator, I’ve realized that self-awareness and how others perceive you has a lot of impact on their ability to actually hear what you’re saying instead of just listening to you talk. I am becoming more aware of subtle cues that a person probably unintentionally provide, with body language and small things like eye contact, that demonstrate if they’re listening or they’re hearing. I’m getting better at reading people and that will be crucial in my new venture as a nonprofit organization founder to find those people who are truly interested in my ideas and plans.
One other aspect of self-awareness popped into my brain just yesterday. I was watching the new Happy Gilmore #2 movie on Netflix and the first 5 minutes were a little bit shocking and very funny. I actually laughed out loud for a few minutes while watching. I had to take a break to go share the funny introduction to the video with Stephenie, and it occurred to me that was the first time I’ve heard myself laugh in probably a year. That was a very intense realization!! From a self-awareness perspective I don’t want to be the sad old guy in a wheelchair… I want to be both perceived by others and myself as a person doing the most with the time available to them. That kind of fits with what I said above I’m dying to live!
